July 20, 2014

conversion therapy

I am the reverend, I am the pastor, I am the bishop, and I am the fucking priest.

I am…

I tell you God has a plan,
I tell you I am a God fearing man

He is a just God,
Whether you believe in him or not

And I tell you he made us the way we are, he created us,
Nothing else to discuss,
All equal,
All equal and beautiful,
All of us God’s children, no favorites

Unless you’re a fag,
Then you might as well raise the flag,
Give up, because you are going straight to hell

He made us the way we are, the Devil made you the way you are,

I can help you, if you want my help,
You can follow Christ,
Redeem yourself,
And gain spiritual wealth

I suggest “conversion therapy”
So you can see how wrong you are for being yourself
So you can feel unworthy, and wake up to the judgments of those who “love” you
So you can “pray the gay away”

You might have heard the beautiful saying “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve”
He also didn’t make retards the first time, but it is okay to accept them. Just not you Steve


It was easy for me, because I felt it,
She thinks it was all a lie, because I took it back,
I took it back because I don’t feel the same anymore

It was easy,
I told her I thought I knew love before,
She thought she wouldn’t suffer anymore,

I told her, our love would be eternal,
She said she’d written about that in her journal

I told her my love was unconditional
She said she thought love like this was fictional,

See I told her I didn’t know love like this existed,

But just like it happened, it ended,

When I say it was easy, it’s not because I lied,
It was easy because I truly felt love for her, deeper than the fucking ocean
There was power in my devotion
Yet in the end it’s like I got my love from some potion,
It didn’t need an antidote the effect just ran out, just like my emotions.

Today she wants to know why?
And I will lie to her eyes,
Just to give her something that feeds the need she has to make sense of this,
Because how can you explain this, when there was so much passion in that kiss?

What she will never believe, is that I don’t know what happened either…


I’m on the operating table.
Chest cut open, I can feel them messing around with my heart,
I could be imagining this

I hear a voice,
My pain cancels out the noise,
But I can hear a voice

The Doctor probably talking shit, about what she needs,
She is trying to save me,
But I feel like she’s killing me

Thing is I didn’t know I needed fixing,
I see my blood splash on her face,
She doesn’t even flinch,
She has a mask, but it gets in her eyes,
And I remember the lies,
The lies she told me,

I recognize the doctor’s voice,
I feel her reach in and take out my heart,

And I hear her clearly for the first time...

“good bye”

last night

I met her last night,

I’ve heard of her many times,
People have wanted to introduce us for a while,

They warned me about her,
Said she can be fair,
But watch out for her.

Just like a woman…

She knows what I’ve done,
She knows what I haven’t done,
My past has spoken for me,

I would be lying if I didn’t admit; I’ve been waiting for her.

I like her; she is dark yet has this smile
A smile that tells me she knows more than I do

Fate has brought us together,

My past has spoken for me,
She listened,

I met her last night,

Her name is Karma

like a dream

I get so many good feelings, when I think of you,

I would like to compare them to something; I feel it is the only way that I might get even close to honoring what I feel.

You are the 5 dollar bill I find in jeans I haven’t worn in weeks,
Now, 5 dollars is kinda weak,
But not that feeling of joy I get, when I hear you,
I rather not look at the phone and enjoy the pleasure of being surprised by the melody in your voice

You are the feeling I get when I wake up in the middle of the night, walking by the microwave hoping when I see the time, I have many hours yet to sleep
For they will be spent dreaming with you.
A feeling of please please, then yes yes!
You are the mess in my mind, that I keep on rewind,
Reliving the moments that caught my heart when it fell,

You are the last bell at school to go home, wait….for summer vacation,
So much anticipation,
Can you relive that feeling?
Of who cares how long today is?, because in the end, a new journey will begin

You are the feeling I get on a sunny day, when I’m outside, and I close my eyes for 20 seconds, and then open them because everything looks like a dream right when I do. I love doing that.

Thing is…you always look that way to me.

My favorite song, you know it, that’s you…

life goes on

“Life goes on” people say that a lot.

Most times people say it after something sad or tragic happens.

“Life goes on”

Move on.

What if “life goes on” means life goes on after we die? Maybe life happens in other ways, in another place.

My dad used to talk about reincarnation. “Life goes on”

I wonder, would he be a dog now, or a monkey? A monkey, definitely a monkey.

Anyways, I don’t know where this “life goes on” came from.
I was thinking of true love.
And the possibility of it being eternal, if a true connection exists within two souls.
True love lasting, spiritually transcending. Who knows?

I met a heart that I feel I have known longer than I have been alive. That doesn’t make sense to me.

What If I had been with this heart in another life, another place?
Like the song says “I love you in a place where there is no space or time”
That life ended. And once again the journey begins, that true soul mates, relive a new journey, to find one another.

A game of life that is never the same.
New obstacles(failed relationships) How many did it take this time?
But once the game is over, there’s no continues.
Or is there?

Life is filled with mystery. Questions that we create answers to.

My heart seems to know things I never will. I listen and follow sometimes. And I get to feel love.
Yet even though I follow, I don’t always know where it is taking me, I don’t always understand what it says to me.

I feel and I follow. She is like that sometimes. And that is just fine.

I love

I feel love, I feel It like I never have,
There are different kinds of love I guess,

I love ice cream. I love my brothers. I love my mother.

And I love you.

These are all different kinds of love. There is also the love I have in me, that allows me to see so much more than others.

Not that I am the only one, but if real life was like facebook I feel like I would be the only one to see and understand what you post on your wall.
There would be no need to tag you, I would be the only one on your feed, and trust me you’d be the only one to carry my seed.

You are all my favorite flavors,
You are the best party favors,

With you Netflix, my previous addiction, suffers extinction

I mean even music takes a back seat, to your voice, so sweet

When I get hungry, I can take a bite off of you,
When I get sleepy, I dream of you, and I know it’ll come true,
For I wake up to the truth, your eyes waiting for me

I see love in your eyes,
I feel it when you touch me,
I hear it when you sing,

And I know you like to sing, you are so good I wanna turn the radio off.

Maybe I told you this, when I talked to my brother about you, he asked if he could call you Neo, because you are the one! Jajaja
Then he said “don’t fuck it up” I’m working on that one

Maybe you are the one, the one I can finally feel comfortable farting with…That’s important right? Wa wa

Okay this is not what I wanted to talk about,

I just wanted you to know that I like you a little bit a lot.

P.O.W? Prisoner of what?

People see me, and they see a free soul,
They see me whole,
They call me wise,
Some say they see it in my eyes,

That I light up a room,
I lift their spirits.

But I'm no fucking god

I come from pain and misery,
Just like everyone else,
And just like you, I should’ve learned something,
But I’ve learned nothing…

She hurt me by taking away what she gave me,
I go months without seeing her, not a word from her,
But she shows up even without being there,
Like the damn cliches, in every song,

I see her in any movie with a bitch that tears a heart out with a smile

Thing is...I am physically and emotionally healthier without her,
But she is the god damn needle, I need it.

I saw her today…

My heart fell off a cliff,
I look up and she is looking down at me, smiling after pushing me off,
That’s what it feels like,

And this is what I want to say,
“No matter what you did to me, I want to share my life with you I want to share my happiness with you, even though I know you will take it away from me”
That is what goes through me.

“I lose who I am when I am with you”
Today I told her that and more,

“I gave you my heart long ago, and I wish you’d give it back”

She looked at me, and said “I never took it”

my song

I see something in you that I have never seen before,

I’ve felt it, but I have never seen it

And every day, it grows in me, this love,

The one everyone speaks of freely, in a way that cheapens it,

I don’t even want to call it love anymore,

Because I know what I feel is new, and different from what little minds describe

Something that only the soul has sung about,

It is freedom, fun, passion, acceptance; it is true connection with another being.

If you want to call it love, you better honor it with the respect and distinction it deserves.

I find myself lost when I open my eyes,

Lost in lies that I have helped create, just by going along,

Earlier I said I have felt it,

I felt it in a dream I knew I was having,

And in that dream I thought, this is something I will never experience while awake,

I learned to distinguish real from fake,

At least in my dreams

With you, I feel it while awake,

I can close my eyes and feel it, and in feeling it, my heart hears it in your voice

All this time I’ve wanted to write a song,

And I just did,

This is a song only your heart can hear.

thank you

I smiled every time I saw you,
Looking into your eyes, was a dream,
I liked myself

You had this effect on me
I remember…I wanted to thank you for loving me,
I never did, and I wonder if that’s why you stopped

You don’t look at me the same,
I don’t remember the last time you smiled

I’ve been avoiding this,
But I know you forgot me long ago

I don’t know how you don’t feel this,
It is like you look through me,
I know you can see me,
I…I am still here

Sometimes when you brush your teeth, I pretend you are smiling like you used to,
But your eyes are still looking past me

If you don’t love me anymore, who will?

I wanted to thank you…for loving me, I still love you


Is it the beat?
I don’t know, but it moves me,
Eyes closed, and I can still see,
More than before,
I used to wonder what it was for,

The pain, the sacrifice,
All to survive,
“grateful” to be alive,

But what am I showing for it?
Is there regret?
Am I lying to myself?
Creating my own living hell

avoiding makes it easier,
By focusing on others,
My mind is busier,

Looking within?
Shit...I got a glimpse once,
I rather call it a sin,
And just pray, leave it up to God
It’s easier,

There is no fucking way, that I am responsible for all the shit that happens to me,
Someone is making shit happen to me, I’m sure you can agree, that I am the victim

Fuck…I just read that out loud,

It’s like I’m pretending


Why is it I can’t be honest to the one that loves me the most?

I can be honest with you…I actually feel relieved just talking to you.

and you know what? I don’t think anyone has ever loved me the way she does, she truly loves me for the piece of shit I am.

She would probably give her life for me, the fucked up thing is, she probably IS giving up her life, just by being with me.

See I’m telling you this because, if I hold this shit in I’ll go crazy

I like her…but that’s it

She places her heart in my hands every morning, and I must’ve already dropped it a hundred times,

And like a dog she keeps handing it over, just happy to see me, I leave for days at a time, I show up and there she is…

I don’t know where her anger goes, she shows it sometimes, but hides it to keep me from leaving again.

And my heart, she would probably place in her chest for safe keeping, but I gave her an empty container

Any hope she has, she has fabricated, if I tell her I love her, it’s because she says it ten times a day, and I give her one, and that means I love her too

She wants a romantic dinner, she asks for it, I give it to her, and it means I’m romantic.

She holds my hand, so it means I held her hand. Every damn thing works this way.

This fantasy of hope and love she is creating.

Now I tell you this, because I can’t even stand looking in the mirror sometimes,

And I think deep down she knows she is the last one on my mind,

That it would only take the woman who hurt me the most to call my name and I’d be gone, but hey that’s just wishful thinking…

For now I unload this on you, hoping to be ready for the morning, when she wakes up smiling just because I spent the night,

ready to hand over her heart, one more time..

Dylan's poem

(Dylan’s poem)         

He says “I wanna change stuff, just don’t know what to change”

Makes you think…

Everything I’ve seen, the fucking routine…

I let it become routine,

I talk about the comfort zone, like I got out of mines, not realizing I’m just making it bigger.

It’s a slow suicide, just taking longer to pull the trigger,

It’s like I’m just contemplating it subconsciously.

Some people give up and check out, some wait for the eviction,
I talk about the here and now, and my actions show contradiction.

I don’t know you, maybe I never will, still…
I’m gonna tell you, you are an asshole sometimes, so am I, (and I’m not just talking to the fellas)

No matter how shitty you have treated someone, how much of a bitch you’ve been at work and at home, (and I’m not just talking to the ladies)

No matter…there is someone you love, and someone who loves you, they might not be the same person.

Just know that if you are capable of loving, and someone loves you, it is proof that you have a heart.

That you are capable of doing what you are afraid of…

Connecting with another soul.

what is true beauty?

What is true beauty?

Tell me,
Is it only what you see?

Is it only physical?
Or is true beauty within?

This is not a new subject,
But in a world where the body has become a sex object,
The body is what makes the beauty

(the video store)

two guys,
talking about the previous night
all lies

and she walks by,
they forget their own lies,
as they notice her thick thighs

they can't look past that,

this is beauty to them

(the gym)

she is exercising on the bicycle
until she sees him on the treadmill
admiring his physical
she stays still

this is beauty to her,
a man's tight ass

(the club)

he dances with his wife,
haven't been out in 10 years

but tonight she is here with her two new friends
the ones he digs his head in while he grabs her rear end

the implants he bought her

this is beauty to him

(back to the video store)

I see the same girl the one with the thighs
But I notice her eyes,

And I know what she's done,

She just came from the abortion clinic
She didn't get it because of economical problems
Not because she doesn't know the father,
Not because she is not ready to be a mother
She got it because she doesn't want to ruin her body

She came here to meet her would be baby's father. The one who has no idea where she came from, the one who talks to her about kids once in a while. The one who thinks she just came from her grandmother's house. The one who doesn't know she is a stripper, the real reason she cant ruin her pretty little body.

This is beauty to him

(back at the gym)

I see him,
Full of sin,
As we all are,
But I look into his heart

As he turns around and smiles at her,
Knowing is not fair,
Yet taking off his wedding ring
Because that's that the thing,
How else is he supposed to win?

He looks at her, seeing a pretty face, a smile,
Nothing like the bruised face, and busted lips on his wife
He looks at her, and sees a good thing for a while,
he looks at her,
and sees someone unaware,
Unaware of how much he doesn't care

This is beauty to her

(back at the club)

I watch her,
As she throws her head back,
Showing of her rack

I close my eyes and I see what she wants

She now has the attention she wanted
She is desirable,

Every guy she sees,
Is someone she can fuck
Someone she can please

He payed for them
She'll use them

In his mind he is king of the world,
He waits for her as she goes for a drink

She goes to the bar,
Glitter on her chest,
And she sees her first victim of seduction,
Staring down her breast
The bar tender,

And I see mines,
"what can I get you?"

I am beauty to her...

to give or receive?

I don't know why I'm here yet…

but I have learned that people come in to my life for many reasons.

I don't always know why, I just know there is a purpose

sometimes it happens through a relationship, yet it always ends once my job is done.

Wether I know what I did or not

Sometimes I know that it won't last,

but I'm here to free you from your past

they all love me at first,

while at their worst,

then move on and I live on with the curse

compliment me and demand more of me,

then get tired and forget they asked for it

blind to what they never wanted to see

some people come in to your life, show you what you forgot,

then you forget them, but remember what they showed you

we only remember what's essential to the plot

"Do you want to give or receive?"

I want to receive…

"then you will live a life of giving, until you learn to give without expecting"

I want to give…

"then you will live a life receiving. In your case you might never learn to appreciate receiving. For to receive without ever giving. Takes you to a path of greed, selfishness and vanity"

It's a deal that was made in heaven long ago...