the end is near

The end is near,

I welcome fear,

The end is near,


The end of what though?

life? all I know?

but what do I really know?



what if all I believe is not what I made it out to be?

for I've created this life, this world I call my reality,

all that I see,


Is it really there?

the feelings, the pain, the love, the happiness,

my ideas of what's unfair

all the times I said I was blessed,


blessed with what?

what the fuck was I talking about?

the only real feeling, is when I cut

because in the end, the lights go out,


the idea of true love,

making up love, when nothing's enough


programmed to believe,

I break away for relief,

and end up programming myself into more bullshit,

this is it,



the end is near,

I welcome fear....


written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

I found you

My heart beats to the melody of your voice,

Vibrating to the sight of your smile,

It’s been a while,

Since my heart's danced to the beat of love,


My Love is no longer hiding inside,

It’s pouring out for all to see,

With you, there’s no place to hide,


The piano speaks to my soul,

I float to the music losing control

The keys open up a world of harmony inside me,


The guitar, cries

Longing for your touch,

The strings weep tears of joy, when I look into your eyes,


I find you in the sky,

I find you in music,

I find you in the rain.


written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

regret

Looking in the eyes of misery,

I search for the mystery

What happened?



I see pain,

Knives slicing thru veins,

The priest cursing God’s name,


I look into the eyes of sorrow,

They pray to die before tomorrow,

And ask if there is a gun they can borrow,



I look into the eyes of regret,

They regret the day we met,

And hold the gun,

Knowing they will never forget…



written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

connection

“Stay in your fucking seats” Mike had a gun pointed at the bus driver.

Another man named John was in the back with what looked like a machine gun, yelling at the rest of the passengers, there must’ve been about 20 people in the bus.
He kept yelling at the passengers in the front while pressing his gun to the driver’s neck. They were in the highway now.

“Where are we going?” The driver said.

“To the white house” Mike said.

“What?”

“Drive” Mike said and pressed the gun harder into his neck.

          They would be driving for maybe two more hours. These people had no idea what was going to happen. They would all be dead in 3 hours. Yeah, so he and John were terrorists, but they weren’t suicide bombers, they’d be looking for arab looking motherfuckers.

“Where are you taking us?” a lady cried in the front.
John came from the behind her and punched the back of her head. People started screaming.

“Keep your mouth shut, you don’t get hurt” John said.
        
Most of them continued crying, they stopped complaining, after a guy in the back got up yelling and got hit with the machine gun across the face. He was on the floor passed out for an hour.

(Maria)
        
      Most of them were seating next to each other. They had remained quiet for a while, Maria sat near the back, next to an older woman, She grabbed the woman’s hand, and felt her squeeze back. She then turned to the old woman, and started looking in her eyes. At first the woman looked away, Maria squeezed her hand harder, and the woman looked up. They both connected, tears came pouring down.

Something happened, I can’t explain it, I don’t even think I understand it, those two strangers felt something, they saw something.

Maria did see something, she saw her grandmother in that woman, the old woman, saw her only daughter who had passed away years ago in Maria. How? I don’t know, maybe it’s all that mattered in that moment, maybe it was all it took for them to find love in that moment.
I still don’t understand it. Some of the others noticed what was going on, they saw them looking at each other, and at one point  Maria and the old woman smiled…Then I noticed more people started holding hands, man and women, men and men, connecting with each other. Two men, who maybe never met, turned and looked at one another and cried, one saw his brother, the other saw his father, they hugged.

(Mike)

Do they know this is their last night living? They can’t possibly know for sure. Fuck I mean if they are so certain, how can this be the last thing they do or think of?

What do they see? What do they feel that I can’t see, smiling, hugging, what the fuck? I wanted to shoot my gun and ruin this shit for them. Most of them didn’t seem scared anymore.
These people were making me sick.

(Fear)

Mike saw a woman crying of relief and joy, she kissed the man’s hand. Mike got his gun and started walking over, and noticed a guy in the back, he looked terrified. He was sitting alone. It stopped him, he didn’t know why?, he wanted to see fear in their faces. He walked by the woman, and continued walking towards the guy in the back. He was probably in his 20’s yet he looked like a small boy afraid and alone.
        
       Mike dropped his gun…he saw himself int his terrified little boy, he saw everything about him in this other man he’d never seen before, he saw who he is, who he was, who he had become, in this human being. He felt like carrying the little boy…

“We are here” John said.

Written by:Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

Liana

“I hate you,I really do” said Liana.


“Liana you’re just looking in the mirror” he told her.


(Deanne)


Deanne stood by her daughter’s room,listening to the conversation.
She wanted to go in, but something kept her, she just listened. Wanting to know more, she felt like she could finally get to know Liana.


(Liana)


“Fuck you!”Liana said.


He laughed, “fuck yourself”.


She was so angry, she was in tears. He kept laughing at her. He saw disgust in his eyes.The look so familiar to her, a look she had seen many times. A look she saw every day.


“I want to change, I want to be happy” she cried out.


“Be yourself”he said.


“I am”


“Are you?”he smiled.


She looked down, tears kept flowing, was she really herself?


“You act like you have no idea what’s going on, but I know, you’ve known all along” he told her.


“I hate when you talk like this” she said.


“Then you hate the truth” he said.


(Deanne)


Deanne cried the more she listened in, she heard her cry and yell, she felt her pain, her anger. Then she heard her say, “I hate you, I really do”.


She opened the door, and saw Liana, sitting alone in front of the mirror.


Written by :Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

last wish

                                                                                April 3^rd 2013

I don’t know when it started, honestly I don’t even know if I was born this way…

One day I walked to the fountain, where many people made wishes, and something different happened.

I mean as a kid my mom would say, “here just take this coin, make a secret wish…kiss it, then throw it in the water”

I was around 5 or 6, yet I didn’t come to know about it until I was 16. I made a wish I instantly regretted, first time, it was a hateful wish, I wished for pain and death to my ex girlfriend’s new boyfriend.

          I went in the water looking for my quarter, wanting to take it back, first coin I touched, I felt something, I saw someone holding a baby, I dropped it, I kept going through, I saw a wedding, different people, I saw graduations, I saw people having sex, It felt so real, like something that I knew was going to happen. It was vivid. I saw a man standing from a wheelchair, I stopped searching.

          The whole thing freaked me out, I didn’t understand it.

Before I got home, I got a call from my ex, telling me her boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident. I had no idea what was coming.

I never wanted to make  another wish again.

          Three years later, I started going back to the fountain,  to face my fear , what happened to me when I touched the coins.

I went at night, I started picking up coins…college graduations, mansions, new cars, twin babies, divorce papers, beautiful women, men in uniform coming home, men in shape, women running.

          

  I was still scared, but this time I wanted to do something about it.

          So many times I made wishes, and they never happened, then one fucking time, I wish for pain and death, and it comes true. I couldn’t understand it. Now I wanted to help people. What if I was meant to do something with this?

                    What I started realizing was, that whenever I touched a coin, the wish came true, because I believed in it, I started going to the fountain whenever I could. This went on for a week.

           

       Until I started seeing rape, pain, and death.

People with vengeful wishes, I had to stop, I felt responsible.

I saw it vividly before my eyes, I felt like I caused it, I couldn’t risk it anymore, I tried the week after, and again, abortion, I even saw things I didn’t understand, yet the feeling of disgust...I just  knew it was revenge.

           

All this took me back to my last wish, I realized these wishes were coming true because I believed in them, I never believed in my wishes, until hatred came and my anger took over.

          Now, I’m thinking can I take the risk again, and control and choose what to believe in?

It’s 12am, I’m at the fountain, looking for a coin filled with anything but hate, yet I want to know if I can do this.

I reach down, and grab a coin and I see….

Written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

honor your heart

I tell my self there's no one else,

no one can save me,

no one can see.


What I've done,

not so much to others,

I gave up,


I talk about my dreams,

and it all seems promising,

then I go back to doubt,

my heart gives out.


When I'm in my heart,

I believe, I strive,

not just survive,

I am truly alive!


Then I always go back to my head,

where doubt reigns,

where memory dictates what I'm incapable of doing

and reminds me of where I'm NOT going!


Self sabotage,

I wear it like a fucking badge,

no matter what though,

I know...I know,

love takes me back.


my heart can see more than my eyes ever will,

I honor my heart,

I honor my self....

written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

walking

fear reigned in my heart for 24 hours,

devouring my inner flower,

my heart, tearing me apart,

why does it take death to come knocking, for me to wake the fuck up?

I knew I didn't want to die like my father,

I lived in darkness for 24 hours,

the room was dark,

so was my heart,

the first day seems blurry now,

I know love lit everything up,

surrounded by hearts,

I came out of the darkness,

she called me "a walking miracle"

I'm walking...

written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

nightmare

I hear music,

it's dark,

nothing makes sense,
it's been this way for a while,

my brother would say, "you're in a dream"
nothing's what it seems,

he'd be wrong,

I'm walking through a nightmare,

pain never stops,
fire teases me,
no one gives a fuck,

I see red,
only anger moves me,
and this hunger's never fed,

hunger to hurt,

her....

no one knows what she did,
God forbid,

they'd kill her first,
maybe it's selfish,
cause you see that's my thirst,

she knew,

and she smiled,

she told me, smiling,


I don't know what's gonna happen,

I have two bullets,
no plan is set,

I know this,

the more I think about it,

the more I think she's gonna take them both...


written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

her heart

I knocked on the door,

no one answered,

She said to be here by 4,

I knocked again,

nothing,

I checked, it was unlocked,

"Helen?"

I heard crying,

"where are you?"


I started feeling pain,

pain in my heart,

the closer I got, the more I felt it,

I walked in her room,

she was sitting on her bed,

surrounded by a pool of blood,

all coming from her chest.


She held her heart in her hand,

her heart was bleeding uncontrollably

she held it, it beat slowly,

her heart, was dying,

I got closer, the pain in my chest grew,

and I knew,

I was feeling her pain,  it hurt me to see her like this,

she was looking down, I touched the top of her head, gave it a kiss,

"do you trust me?"

she looked up now, red tears flowing from her eyes,

I took her heart in my hand, and it stopped bleeding, it beat normally,

she smiled, I gave it back to her, and it slowed down, and it started bleeding again,

I held out my hands and took it back, and once again the bleeding stopped, and she smiled,

"Do youyou see that? can you feel it? It's because I love you"

she said, "I love my self"

"do you?"


I gave it back, and the pain came back,

I took her hands, and together we put her heart back in her chest,

I took my heart out of my chest, and she saw it bled more than hers,

"I'm in pain"

I held it out to her, "Helen, I trust you"

I gave her my heart,

she held it, and the bleeding stopped,

love flowed through me, I smiled and tears of joy ran down my face,

"do you understand?…you are not alone"


written by: Frank Hannen-Pantaleon

without you

I tell my self I can go on without you,
Thing is...I don’t wanna let go,
Anybody else going through this,
I’d tell them to get over it,
I’m in it now,
Worst part is, I been through this shit before,

I don’t know what I’m afraid of,
It’ll be good for me to tell you to fuck yourself,
Not give a fuck anymore,
I mean shit!
I come in, you on your knees with a mouthful of cock!
What the fuck?
and here I am dreaming of you…

Somehow I believe I can’t find anyone better than you,
Fuck,Any whore on the street, got more class than you,
I gotta get away from this filthy fantasy of you,

It’s all bullshit, how do you tell me you love me while you blow me?

“look at me!”

So now you have shit to say?
I mean come on, can you blame me? This aint the first time you done it,
Just the first time I walk in on you ain’t it?
You know what got me, you know what really fucking got me over,
I walk in, when you notice me, you got up, you kept grabbing his cock,
That…I don’t know…I don’t know,I’ll tell you what,

You don’t have to watch while I do this,
You can close your eyes if you want,

But you’re still gonna hear it…

sweet melody

I can dream to the sweet melody of your voice,

I close my eyes when you speak,

Letting my heart listen to the music,

I hear honesty and love,

And I can't get enough,

I could be doing anything,

Yet this is what I yearn for,

this moment,

when you say my name,

from your smile to your eyes,

I take it all in,

And I can't deny,

I feel I can fly,

when I look into your eyes,

I access all that's in me, to tell you how I feel,
even though I'm scared,

Because tomorrow is not guaranteed,

so how do I feed this need?

By telling you how I feel,

by showing you I'm being real...

I...love you

my heart

tomorrow you'll be gone....

I'll only find you in my songs,

ill wake up to empty picture frames,

sunsets wont be the same,

they'll lack,the colors that you sprayed with your presence,

only my poetry will make sense,

I'll miss your laughter,

how will I hear it now?

how can I write about the ever after?



your smile will no longer decorate my days

all this...

the kiss,

the hugs, I imagined

will only remain,

in one place,

a place you reign,

where all this was born,

my heart....

Psycho bitch

So my brother Gaby and I gonna go see a basketball game at his friend’s house,

On our way out, I see this girl waving at me, I think she knows Gaby, she walks up, she is a nice looking girl, takes off her sunglasses, she says her name is psycho bitch, I’m not sure, she says she is doing a fundraiser around the complex, says the more money she raises the more points she gets. If she gets the most points she can win a trip to Hawaii and get fucked for a week,(that’s what I heard)

Anyway she says it has to do with magazines, or some shit. She asks Gaby what he does, he goes "Airforce", I go "nothing", she never looked at me again. Gaby says he is in a hurry, she says it will only take a minute, I think she was on crack,happy crack, everything Gaby and I said was the coolest thing ever, she thought everything Gaby said, was worth fucking for, she even tickled his zipper once.

So 5 minutes after the minute it was supposed to take she says “are you guys into kidnapping or anything?(psycho laugh) Because I really gotta pee, and its hard to concentrate on what I do if I gotta pee you know?”

Gaby shocked me by saying sure! You gotta know Gaby to be surprised, (he said it seemed legit because she had a bottle of water)

So in the apartment she pees, I think, then sets up shop on the counter, says

how it works is, you gotta pick 40 types of magazine you would like reading, Gaby said I gotta go, I can do two, she says she gets points depending on the magazine, so we do 5,

She says “do you mind being stalked or called at 3 in the morning? Can I have your number(psycho laugh).Gaby gives the number she starts filling out shit, then Gaby sees she put him down for three $44 subscriptions, he says it's $44? She goes yeah but it's only one time, Gaby says he thought it was a fundraiser he could donate to, and he would. She says “how else did you think a fundraiser would work? He goes you didn’t start with this, if you had, I would have said no, she goes “I did”

Now it starts getting uncomfortable, he goes "I’m okay", she says “I’m okay too”

Gaby must’ve said no 10 different ways,  I said some shit she didn’t listen to, she shows him all the money she collected from different airmen by blowing them, then he said, I can't afford it,

Then she goes, “wow, being broke is really unattractive”

Now, I exaggerated on some shit, maybe a lot, but she said this, anyway she left after this, Gaby was worried about telling her off inside the apartment because he didn’t know her,  but she stopped after this.

We needed a fucking cigarette after dealing with this girl.

I know

I know she loves me,

I see it in her eyes,

they speak to me,

through them, I can see blue skies,

they listen to me,

through them I realize,

she loves me,

they see through the lies,

she misses me,

I can hear it in her voice,

she laughed with me,

my favorite noise,


even on the phone,

I can hear her smile,

I offer my own,

longing to reconcile,


she paints love all over me,

I know she is pain,

I know she is afraid,

I am too...